Miscarriage: Don't go through it alone!

Today I am bare foot. I have not put shoes on today, not once. I have only left the house or our back yard twice today. First, I ventured to the mail box with the puppy, leash free, totally tempting fate. The other time I took the puppy for a walk and even that I did bare foot, all the way to the nature park and back. Our nature park has a giant sand pit with water that runs through it. The water you must hand pump with the old fashion looking well pumps. There are three pumps all along a human made cement ditch leading to the sand. Once pumped the water splatters to the cement with a crash, tearing at the rock below, it flows across the ground, under two bridges and finally to the sand pit. This evening it was 95 degrees at 6pm and there was not a single child at the park. I saw two lone walkers, and I only talked to one person, a 14-year-old girl whose family just decided randomly to drive down from Vancouver Canada for the day. Usually the park is crawling with life like a piece of watermelon dropped on the side walk near an anthill. But today was different, and that is okay. I pumped the water time and time again stomping through the ditch and the sand for a good hour, I let Mia puppy off her leash and she ran around like a lunatic. You know how dogs do with their tush all tucked tight, front paws spread wide in a prancing fashion, running, digging, throwing sand, bobbing and weaving, ducking and dodging absolutely nothing. I laughed so hard a couple of times I nearly cried. Her comical lunacy was just what I needed today. My bare foot self today actually goes hand in hand or foot in foot with what I am going to share. Today as I bare my soul it is going to be raw much like my feet that are in serious need of a pedicure; polish chipped and missing on half of my toes. I know, it’s mid-summer and my toes should be in tip top shape properly polished and pretty, but they are not. The little farm girl inside of me runs amuck on the outside of me occasionally. I had an entirely different blog 90% written for this month that I have been working on since June, but I will have to post that later. Something worthier of my share has taken precedence in mine and my husband’s life. For a woman one of the hardest most painful thing she can experience is the loss of a child. Short of losing a spouse, the death of one’s child has got to be the most excruciating thing a woman can go through. For a great number of women this loss comes in the form of a miscarriage. My Story: (The past) If you have read any of my previous blogs, you know I am a woman of faith so here it comes. Ten years ago, I prayed to God to give me a sign that I was where he wanted me to be with the man I was dating. I was struggling with our relationship I was not sure I was following God’s path for me. It was a great relationship despite some immaturity on both of our parts. I was just feeling like we should both be elsewhere. A month later I discovered I was pregnant not planned, on birth control, not married, not fully knowing if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with the man I was dating. I was pregnant, I took this as God’s sign I was in the right place, I still believe it was. We told our immediate family and it was not received by his family well at all, his mother physically grabbed me by the arm and told me she was taking me to get an abortion. A few short weeks later I had a miscarriage. I was 25, at the time I had only one friend who had a kid. Neither of my mothers’ personal experience with miscarriage. At the time of our loss I felt very alone, lost and abandoned by God. I felt like my body had failed me, failed us. I felt angry with God, for the first time in my life I questioned my faith. I was scared, I was in pain physically and emotionally and I had no one to talk to about it besides my boyfriend. Fertility apps, pregnancy apps, google on your smart phone and social medial were not a huge thing ten years ago. My ability to research what I was going through was just not at the tip of my fingers. This was a dark time for me and I had no idea how to get through it and I felt isolated by my pain and I struggled to deal with it alone. The truth is that I was not alone, I could have talked to my family about it. But I didn’t, I didn’t want to, I have spent years of my life trying to go at it solo, carrying my own burdens all by myself not because I had to but because I felt like I needed to, I wanted to. I am stubborn, I’d like to call it strong, but the truth is I don’t like people to feel sorry for me. I have always tried to hold my hurt by myself, not sharing my suffering with anyone. But why? Is it a woman thing, a me thing, a human thing? Why do we hold onto our pain? Why do we think we can carry it alone, why do we feel like we need to carry it alone? I have wrestled for year with humbling myself to ask for help, I am obsessively hyper independent, but I have worked on it and I will continue to work on it. I have had to reprogram myself to not see needing help as being weak. What causes you to walk in solitary?

(The present) Four weeks ago, my husband and I found out we we’re pregnant. This was not a surprise because we were trying. We have been planning. For me in the planning there has been a great deal of fear and terror, I shared this feeling with my husband, friends, and family. The innocence of pregnancy was squashed for me 10 years ago. In a time that should be full of joy and excitement celebration and happy planning, for me and MANY women this joyous time is strangled out by distress, worry, trepidation, anxiety, paranoia and often accompanied by over analyzing every little cringe, twinge, ache and pain. My husband is a gracious and patient human being, he knows the terror that lives with in me when it comes to bearing children among many other things. Over the last four years he has had the heart wrenching task of reassuring me time and time again; that he loves me and wants to be with me for me not just because I can make him babies. He has had to face my fear and self-doubt for me and with me. He has had to convince me that I am enough, when I can’t convince myself. This has not been fair to him, the pain that I bring with me was not his cross to bear. But good Lord he does, he picks up my broken pieces all the darn time. He hands them back to me piece by piece and he helps me to put the broken pieces of myself back together again. He is my rock; my saving grace, my strength when I have nothing, and my calm when I am a storm. I still don’t know what I have done so right in the world to deserve the love and acceptance that he eternally shows me. He is true love, and I can only pray that I do the same for him when it’s his turn to fall apart. When I was 7 God very clearly put on my heart the desire to adopt. I still have no idea where else the idea would have come from beyond God’s whisper in my ear. I told my mom then at that young age about my desires. She asked me what I knew about adoption to which I had my normal know it all quick retort, there and lots of little boys and girls that don’t have mommies and daddies. She then asked me what I would name the kid, I told her Aurora. When asked where I came up with that name I responded that it was the name of her shampoo. When we got engaged and even before that when talking about the future, children, where to live, our dreams, goals and plans, adoption and name Aurora was still a thing for me. I am blessed to have found a man who also has the desire to love someone else’s child as his own. We have made the decision to adopt regardless of our ability to have biological children. This is a whole other topic, and a can of worms, that many people in our life have an opinion about. And that is okay because everyone is entitled to their feelings, just as we are permitted to ours. When we found out we were pregnant, we were advised not to tell people. This time I adamantly and even defiantly (true to my personality) I said a loud, “NO, I am going to tell everyone! We know that there is a chance of miscarriage. We have discussed it, we are telling everyone. Because WHY not! If we do have a miscarriage, I don’t want to go through it alone like I did last time, and if it does happen it is for a reason and women should not suffer in silence going through it alone, miscarriage or any loss for that matter should not be a taboo topic.” It is a normal thing, and miscarriage happens in up to 20% of all known pregnancies before 12 weeks. Pain and grief are not meant to be carried alone! I went on to proclaim, “If we do lose the baby I am going to talk about it. I am going to write about it, I will share it, it will be a part of our story and it is meant to be. If we suffer a loss, it is because it is meant to be shared, it is meant to help someone, and I have faith that God’s will and way is the right way for us.” Now this seemingly invincible holier than thou proclamation in no way protects me from feeling heartache. Here we are four weeks later and yes, we have lost our sweet angle(s). We never got to see them, hold them, kiss them. We knew they were growing, we told people. This time the ache of pain for me has been different, the grief is the same and it is not easy. But the suffering has been less, and we have not bee silent. I cannot speak for my husband because this is his first experience with this type of loss, and I am not him. I know he is being strong for me just as he always is. His grief is his and mine is mine, but we are in it together, and we are not moving through it alone. Grief comes in waves, sometimes it slides onto the shore with a smooth whoosh, and other times is crashes on our heart and soul like a car accident you never saw coming. Grief is a beast, that towers over you and lurks around the corner waiting to pop out and make you pee yourself. Cause let’s be honest ladies occasionally we pee a little when frightened. I do this, and I have yet to even have a child destroy my bladder control to blame it on. I don’t become sad or feel grief when I see my friends’ babies, when my friends give birth or get pregnant, when my friends post pictures or their kids, talk about their pregnancy or their life with kids. I have hope and I know when it is the right time I will be given the gift of motherhood. I do feel grief when I think about my babies in heaven, our babies with God and that being the only thing they will ever know. But I find peace in knowing that they know our earthly love Gods everlasting love. I find joy and I delight in the life that was given to us even if it was only for a short time. And I find great pleasure in seeing and sharing in the treasure of children around us. I know for some women who have experienced miscarriage this is not the case, but for me it is. I love sharing in the gift of life that others have been given. Today I spent most of the day on the phone, explaining what happened. When I am on the phone I walk while I talk, and I think I may have walked 10 miles today, I forgot to put on my Fitbit. I have explained what we are going through, and what we have learned from this month of experience. We have been comforted by family and friends who have experienced the pain and struggle, those who have fought to create a tini human as well. I have learned from them so much over the last week and I feel harmony in knowing the amazing women I do. We have thoroughly talked through our miscarriage, worked through it cried through it laughed through it and walked through it. Today I also talked to two people who are experiencing some completely different pain and struggles, they called on me to talk to them through it. One even telling me that God had put it on her heart to ask me for advice. God knows, and he knows me, he always gives me what I need, what feeds me and what keeps me going. He fully demonstrated that for me today in every conversation. I need to be needed, I thrive off helping people, and I am passionate that it is my mission to turn mine and help others to turn their pain into a purpose. I know that there is no pain that I was not meant to feel. And I know that the pain I do feel was meant for me, so I may be able to help someone else through similar. I ended my evening with a very dear and new friend leaving the ER with the uncertainty of her very own miscarriage. I tried to reassure her the way so many truly amazing people have helped me through it over our last week of uncertainty. The calling:

We are meant to share, we are meant to connect. We all crave it we are searching for it, but many of us have forgotten how to do it. We are busy, we don’t call just to say hi, we forget about talking to people, because we feel like we see their life on social media, so why call? If it’s not tweeted, snapped, pictured or shared, did it even really happen? I cannot tell you how much it has meant to me that there have been so many people asking me for updates and not being scared to ask. Many people shy away from people in pain because they don’t know what to say or not to say. They don’t want to make it worse, so they say nothing at all. But pulling away is the very last thing someone who is hurting needs. Yes, everyone grieves differently, and I once was that person who pushed people away. I wouldn’t let people force their love on me I was like a feral cat. I held onto all my pain and suffering, I held tight to it, calling myself strong because I dealt with things on my own. I know now that that is not strength. True strength is humble, true strength is asking for help, true strength is sharing, true strength is giving it away to God and surrendering to the bitter fact that we live in a world that is riddled with pain and torment. But we also live in a world full of bliss and joy. We have a choice to make when it comes to how we choose to see and feel the things we experience. We can hand off bits and pieces of our pain and let others carry it alongside us so that the load is not so heavy. Or we can continue alone and weighed down by the hefty burden in solitary. We are meant to lift others when they can’t lift themselves, we are all meant to lean on one another. No matter how much I would like life to be all rainbows, butterflies and unicorns; sometimes it is not. Life is the dirty, nitty gritty, behind the scenes, it’s the 50+ shots that it took you to get that perfect Instagram picture. Life is not perfect without the filter, and no one’s is, everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about so be kind, and if someone is brave enough to share their pain with you, pick up whatever piece you can and carry it for them, and make the choice to walk with them. If you have suffered, miscarriage, still birth, infant loss, child loss, teen loss, or adult child loss. You are not alone, you do not have to go through it alone. Even if you feel like you want to, you don’t have to. Over my 35 years of life I have collected a network of people who have experienced it all literally everything. I know whole heartedly that every one of them would love to talk to you about it if you are ready. Please don’t loose hope, keep going. Do not hesitate to reach out to me on any platform and tell me your story I would love to connect you with others like you or help in any way I personally can. It is because of other stories that I have hope. So today, is now tomorrow morning and I am still bare foot. I have stayed up all night writing this, but writing is my release. Putting it all down on paper is my way of letting go and freeing myself from it, it always has been, I have been writing since I was a young kid. I am not retiring my bare feet today as God still has plans for me on this journey called life. Until next time thank you for reading XOXO Lindsay Lou

Some Facts and Herbal information I have learned on this miscarriage journey: (Keep in mind this is all my opinion, I am not a certified medical professional, do your own research, I am not to be held liable or responsible in any way for you and your medical journey) * Have your hormones (progesterone especially) and Thyroid function tested when trying to conceive. *10-20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage within the first 12 weeks. *This is not your fault! *Your body is beautifully made and it is doing the right thing. *Cramping can be normal during pregnancy as your uterus stretches to accommodate a growing baby, try Cramp Bark, herbal tincture. *To naturally increase your progesterone levels you can take Chaste Tree Berry herbal supplement *70% or women experience gastro-intestinal struggles during pregnancy, try Gas-X *All bleeding should be reported to your doctor Some causes of early miscarriage: Early chromosomal abnormalities Thyroid disorder Diabetes Ectopic (implantation outside of the uterus) Hormonal imbalance (get your progesterone checked at the first sign of bleeding) Autoimmune disorder Blood Rh factor (get your blood type checked at the first sign of bleeding) Uterine lining structural problems (endometriosis…) Crohn’s disease Celiac disease Alcohol or drug use in excess This is only a short list there are many others but the cause in often unfounded. Bleeding can be caused by many things, some harmless and other more serious: Implantation Miscarriage Ectopic pregnancy (typically accompanied by one sided pain) Molar pregnancy Intercourse Infection Placental abruption Placenta previa Uterine rupture Low progesterone Cervical incompetence(or weakness) STD Miscarriage decrease significantly in the second trimester but is still possible at about a 1-2% chance. Bleeding during pregnancy happens in about 20% of women and is normal for them, most going on to carry to full term with no further complications. Post miscarriage care:

Rest Relaxation Sleep: give yourself time to recover, give your body the grace to recover. Make a couch nest and binge watch something, or read an entire book while hiding under your favorite blanket. Talk to people about it: even seek mental health help, you have experienced a loss and grief is okay, and it is okay to ask for help as you process and work through it, don’t do this alone you don’t have to! Pray about it: pray for strength, pray for yourself to forgive your body, pray for peace in the pain, pray for the next time, ask others for prayers, shamelessly, people love to pray for you that is what a faith community does. Time: Give your self time to grieve, you set this time and there is no time too great or too small that is correct or incorrect. Do something in remembrance: Plant a tree, shrub, bulbs, get a tattoo, write a letter whatever works for you as a joyous reminder of their life however fleeting it was it was still a life! Massage: massage your pelvic area externally, touch and pressure helps to increase blood flow and it can stimulate your pelvic muscles. Message your hand and feet there are so many pressure points attached to your abdomen, work over your hands and feet, when you find a place that is sore focus on it for a while, moving through the pressure and the soreness. If you feel as if you have not passed all the tissue please consult your doctor. Trust your intuition

You can also try these herbs: Maca Root: can help calm hormones, by nourishing and stimulating the pituitary gland.

Black Cohash: is a strong anit-inflammatory that helps promote healthy blood flow to the pelvic area and relaxes the uterine muscles.

Iron: you are losing blood, and this can help prevent you from becoming anemic.

Red raspberry leaf: in the form of tea it is full of calcium, magnesium, iron, selenium, vitamin A & C. It can help to strengthen and tone the pelvic muscles, including the uterus. It can also help to prevent hemorrhaging or excessive bleeding.