"Pain into a Purpose" The decisions we make.

Today I am in tennis shoes, they are rainbow style and they are bright. Today my shoes are loud just as I usually am, I have always been loud, untamed and a little wild.

I sit here staring at the keyboard, thinking. I have been reflecting over my short thirty five years of life on this earth. When I think back I've found that there have been many times in my life where I have felt helpless, hopeless, lost; from bent knee and humbled heart I have time and time again asked God to show me the way, his way. There have been many times where I have observed his silence. It is times in his silence that I wonder, have I drown him out: am I so hyper aware of my own needs that I have lost touch with his will for me? So, I bend and I move, and then I break. I wrote about October and how I was working. What I haven't told you is that I was also searching, searching for a purpose, a place to hang my meaning a purpose for my life. A way to turn my past pain into a purpose. In previous posts I have eluded to the trials of my past, my childhood. I in no way shape or form want to tell you that life and pain that I have lived is not that which I was meant for. I believe that everyone has something, and every person that walks this earth will live through a painful situations or circumstance, at the hand of other humans. However, it is how we choose to view our past that will define our future. Your past can either set you on a course toward rebuilding and redefining. Or you can let it set you on a journey of resistance, a path indifference choosing to relive over and over again the same trials. I choose to break free from that which bound me to my past. I chose to rise above to expect more out of those around me and in all honesty I chose to expect more out of myself and to be better for my future. Many find comfort in the fear of growth. Fear can be debilitating, the small fear of a decision or the large fear of dying. Both are valid fears and they are fear based non the less. You must reach a place in your life when you choose to walk through your fear and find the freedom, to step through the door and see what lies on the other side.

I just talked about fear and growth. Thus, I feel that defining those two nouns is important in my use of the words. Fear: an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that something or someone is dangerous. Growth: the process of increasing in physical size.

Fear is a real feeling, if you have ever been faced with death you have experienced fear. The fear of death is huge, but fear is not just that. For some when they see a spider it elicits a fear response. Fear for many people can be incapacitating. And in this, I am referring to anxiety. In this way their fear can seem small to you, but huge and overwhelming to them; so fear is then relative and based upon perspective. Fear then can be anything; anything that causes one to feel vulnerable and or unsafe. The things that make you feel unsafe may not be the same as the person sitting next to you right now. That is what makes us beautiful and diverse and different, that is what makes us more. That is what makes us a community, a society, a whole. For me fear is what gives me a purpose. If it weren't for my fear I would not be driven; driven to be better, driven to share my pain, driven to give others hope, driven to inspire someone, really anyone. Fear I feel, fear I embrace; I fear not making a difference, I fear not being able to change the world, thus not being able to change the future of our society for the better. For fear is real, and it is a feeling, fear is not a tangible thing that is a one size fits all. For me fear is a feeling that I choose to use; a feeling that I choose not to let debilitate me, rather it is a feeling that I choose to use to drive me. When I feel fear I lean in, I try to understand why and I push through it. I do believe that God has given me the strength many times in my life to see that on the other side of fear there is a great joy. What do you do with your fear, how does fear affect you? Let’s talk growth. When I looked up the definition I was less than satisfied, honestly I was disappointed with my choice of word. Really...physical growth that's what I am left with? Come on. Growth in a physical sense is a necessity; we grow from an infant to a toddler, to a child, then to a teen and at some point to an adult. That is understandable and completely logical as a definition. However; in my personal opinion growth encompasses more than just a physical aspect. Dictionary wise apparently, it doesn't mean all that I want it to mean. Therefore maybe what I meant when I said growth was really to develop. (Develop: to grow and become more mature, advanced, or elaborate, to start to exist, to experience). Yup that is more of what I think of when I say growth.

So, at this point in my writing I could go back, I could change the previous five paragraphs. But I won't and I am not going to. What I will do is from here on out when I talk about fear and growth, I will change my wording. I will choose to discuss the Fear and Development instead. This is a small example of life and the choices we make. The word we choose, and their meaning or someones perception can really differ and words make an impact. The amount of times I wish I could have gone back in my life and changed my words, or changed the past is a great number. But the truth is I can’t, none of us can. We cannot go back we cannot change the past. We can choose to move forward in a different way we can choose daily to be and do better. We can choose the here and the now, we can choose right now to develop and change because of our past, and in spite of it. And we can choose to be the best version of ourselves for the future. We can choose to be grateful that we woke up today, because I can promise you this; somewhere in the world someone did not wake up today, but that someone was not you and it was not me. And I am grateful. What have you done with your past pains or mistakes? Have you freed yourself from it or have you become it? Have you grown and only increased in size or have you taken a hard look within and truly tried to develop? As I sit here today in front of my lap top I am grateful. I am grateful for the pain of my past because it has humbled me for the future. I am grateful that I woke up this morning and I am grateful for the tennis shoes on my feet. Today I am not retiring a pair of shoes, rather I am going to walk in them and see where they take me. Until next time thank you for reading XOXO Lindsay Lou Post Script: As always comments and or shares are always welcome!