Learning to believe in your path

Today I am not really in shoes but it is what it is. I am in Zebra kiss footy jammies, because to be quite honest they have become a staple of my wardrobe these days. I heard a saying a long time ago and have adapted it to fit my style "Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is completely optional". I choose the latter thus I wear footie jammies because it is the middle of winter in Oregon. Back to the catch up here, if you have not read this blog from the beginning you may be a bit lost but I vow to catch up to current times in this post. Therefore, grab your coffee and settle in for a long read. Summer had passed and fall rolled in with a heavy cloud cover. With the fog and cold weather brought some decisions for me. I had received the letter from PSU with the decision to let me return to school on probation for my horrendous GPA. I had gone to the school psychologist and discussed my life long struggle with ADHD. With all my previous documentation I was allowed what are called accommodations. I had wrestled internally with this choice and shed a few tears over my feelings of inadequacy. I spent a good amount of time asking myself "why can't I just do it on my own, I know I am smart, I should be able to keep up without help?". The truth is that I had really felt like there was something wrong with me from a very young age. I couldn't sit still, got bored easily, distracted...ouu shinny... darn it rein yourself in, and learned to read very late in elementary school. I had taken medication to correct my concentration issues all through school. When I was 17 I was seeing a wonderful Psychologist (more on why at a later date) by the name of Blandine Levit, she introduced me to biofeedback. Thanks to 40+ weeks of biofeedback sessions I was able to retrain my brain, control my attention and strengthen synaptic connections that connected my two hemispheres. So, until recently I had not struggled with my ADHD. However, your brain is a muscle and if you are not actively applying it, atrophy will set in. Thus, I had to swallow the hard pill and humble myself, stuff down my stubborn pride and ask for help. Accommodations for me means extra time on tests, a great software program that converts my text books to audio, and a super cool pen that records my lecture while I write notes, for replay later with word touch capability. All of these amazing things were finally setting me up for success. For the first time in 4 years I walked into the start of the school term with hope. Hope and excitement that maybe for the first time in years I would be able to keep up in class and not feel so overwhelmed all the time. Much of my school driven anxiety was due to feeling as if I could not ever keep up on the reading. Now, I really love reading and I have no problem with reading for fun. I read books for my own personal growth and enjoyment on a very regular basis, but the difference is that I can read at my own pace, I am an insanely slow reader. When under pressure it seems to get even worse. Occasionally in life we have to accept the help that we pray for. Around the same time school was back in session I came to the end of my unemployment compensation. I had been actively searching for a position that would be a good fit for me and work with my school schedule. This is a tough thing considering reception positions like the ones I really wanted wouldn't look at me because I was told #1 over qualified and #2 not going to be a long-term employee because I only have one year left of school. I had a month’s worth of savings to tide us over until I could find a good fit. One month before my employment I once again had to swallow my pride and humble myself to bartending again. I am actually very grateful for this skill I have to fall back on. Even when I worked in surgery 50 hours a week I still bartended on the weekends, but I was in my mid 20's then. Time does change some things and despite sitting here in my footy jammies I am growing up. Over the summer I spent a great deal time in reflection when God was slowing me down and teaching me to trust in him and appreciate the skills that I do have. Here I was trying to do just that, however, I was still facing the external social pressure we often feel in this world. People ask you what you do at the age of 34 and you answer bartend they cock their head to the side and then ask why, and then usually, what do you want to do when you grow up or what's your real job, the latter a frequent question I encounter while pouring someone their drink. Often those who have not themselves worked in the service industry do not understand that it is a real job. Often a thankless job, sometimes a hard job, but in many ways, I find it a very rewarding job. I thoroughly enjoy when people come in hangry and leave happy. I like caring for people and part of that is feeding them, I am my grandmothers daughter and seriously you never leave that woman's house hungry. I really like to make people smile or sometimes even laugh. I am a spazz and kind of a clutz so laughing comes easily to people when I am behind the bar. Just the other day I was attacked by the espresso machine, some would say, operator error, I still claim I was attacked! I thrive off of in depth personal interactions, I am that person. I want to hear and know your whole life story and I want to tell you pieces of mine when I feel safe. I love to make connections true genuine connections, I am a social creature. The service industry has always been my fall back for all of these reasons, it actually really feeds my soul. My husband can attest to this fact I am sure, because when I have been home alone all day by myself, he walks through the door and I am a complete motor mouth for like 10 minutes. At which point he usually asks "have you been home all day", then next, "have you talked to anyone?" "Nope, that is why I'm chatty kathy-ing the heck outta ya right meow." Here we are I am back on track, job, school, married, happy and content in Gods path. It is January right but in this catch up today I have only managed to get to October. So, once again to be continued. As I sit here in my footie jammies my eyelids are getting heavy so I must retire to sleep. I thankful today for the roof over our head, a job, days off in footy jammies, and some of the coolest connections I have made with people in a long time. Until next time thank you for reading y'all, comments are always welcome xoxo Lindsay Lou