New Name, New Beginning

Today I am in black suede leather ankle boots.

Y’all I’m once again a crazy busy lady and this is a late post. Today, here, in this post I am going to do my best to get caught up to present time, or at least through the summer. Especially since it is now the middle of December. Nolan and I got married on May 13th 2017, it was honestly everything I could have ever dreamt of and even more! I have to be honest here, I don’t know if I am an outlier or what but before getting engaged, the only thing wedding, I had ever thought about was the dress I would like to wear. I mean it is not like I am not girly, ok I guess I am actually only a little bit gilry to be honest. I grew up on a horse and cow farm, I never really wear makeup except to cover up my terrible adult acne. I didn’t even start wearing lipstick until I was in my 30’s. I am probably closer to a tom boy than a girly girl. I do girly stuff now I guess, but I had never even gotten a pedicure until like 2 years ago. I think maybe the main reason that I did not have all these grandiose wedding ideas up in my head, is because I had really given up on LOVE before Nolan. Don’t get me wrong I had loved before him, but I had not truly been IN LOVE, those things are distinctly different. The latter I must say was worth the wait and is so much healthier than anything I had experienced prior to it. I had reached an age and place in my life where I thought that getting married may not happen for me. I am not some old spinster, I am currently only 34. Maybe it was societal norms or outside pressure that had causes me to get that way. I had wanted to be married and having kids by 26, but 26 came and went, and I was not, and had not. I had refused to settle for less than God’s perfect man for me. Like I have said before I am late to everything this is a prime example of me being late to my own life. By the time I got engaged I had seen many high school friends get married have kids get divorced and re-married. I think my lack of wedding dreams may have been self-preservation. I did not want to get my hopes up or dream too big, because I was scared the dream would not come true. From a young age I have had a very strong standard for what I believed marriage should be. And my definition of healthy love has been unwavering “Two people who grow and change together while supporting one another”. I am a child of divorce actually many times over and my strict rule for myself has long been, one and DONE. I will be married once and only once for the rest of my life. I will marry someone who won’t give up on me the same way I don’t give up on them, we will fix things if they get broken, but we will always do it together. When Nolan and I started dating he awoke something in me, and for the first time in my life I was safe and comfortable enough to dream. He encourages me to follow my passions and provides me with a safe place free of judgement. Before him I did not even know what that safety and faith in a human even felt like. I had only ever known that kind of love from God. When I lived in Italy many years prior to meeting Nolan I remember laying in the grass in the court yard listening to Barlow Girls song Average Girl, one of the lines to this day sticks with me, “no more dating I’m just waiting, like sleeping beauty my prince will come for me, boys are bad that’s certainly not true, God is preparing one for you, but if you get tired of waiting for him to come God’s arms are the perfect place to run.” Back to the story here though. We got married in Powel Butte on amazing resort called Brasada Ranch. We arrived two days prior to the rehearsal, the first night we where there with only my soon to be new family. My father in law is quite the bartender, he totally could make a career out of it now that he is retired. All of my mother in laws family lives on the east coast where she grew up or in Texas so many of them flew in that night as well. We had a great evening catching up with family, I drank too much gin, thanks Dad, and so the next morning I was less than on my A game. As I was showering, Nolan was running through the cabin causing a ruckus. It was hailing, it had hailed an entire inch by 10am. We had actually really wanted to get married in the snow, so we where both pretty happy about the hail. By mid-day the hail was gone and the sun was out. Nolan and I really tried to take all of the advice that was given to us before our wedding weekend. Take ‘time for yourselves’, ‘enjoy the little moments’, ‘stop occasionally and soak it all in’, ‘it will go by really fast’. The last one is insanely true, seven months later and I can still remember it clear as day and I want to just live in the day over and over again like ground hogs day. If you are reading this and you are about to get married seriously, take your time on the day, don’t rush, try not to stress, brush off the small stuff, pick your battles with friends/family and take time to be alone together the day of your wedding. After the ceremony after our family pictures, we went to our honeymoon suite and had a glass of champagne, ate a few appetizers and just sat together and talked we relaxed and took the time to engage one another and connect before we walked into the hype of the reception. I am so glad that we were smart enough to do that! The reception was the best party I have ever attended and it only took 30 minutes before the first, “so, when are you going to have babies” question was asked. It is funny how life progresses so quickly sometimes. The day following our wedding was mother’s day and we had a big whole new all united family brunch, I got up and said something at the brunch can’t remember exactly what, hopefully I said thank you, and now it’s time to celebrate the women who made this weekend possible, because if it wasn’t for them we would not be who we are, but it was totally impromptu and I have never been good at speaking in front of a crowd. Weddings are expensive ladies and gents, therefore, we decided to do a minimoon. We stayed at Brasada for five days post wedding and kindly asked everyone to return home and leave us be. Ha ha We had an amazing and relaxing time, horse back riding, hiking, our own private cabana, biking, water slide, water falls and laziness that we both needed. When we returned home, life started back up. Nolan went back to work and I did, well…not really much. I took lots of naps, I recovered and resurfaced our hideous burnt mustard yellow dining room set. I built a desk for my school work and soon to be business. I built a lifting coffee table and a huge set of shelving for our newly acquired crystal, I played in the garden. We set up and organized the garage and turned it into a storage space for all our fun active things, I did yoga, I took more naps. We got a pet bunny, I took three trips to Southern Oregon to visit my family, watch my little sister graduate college and be there for my God daughter as she transitioned through some tough things in her life. I spent time playing in the water with friends, we went camping five times, we took trips to the coast, we had a fun summer. I finally completed our spare bedroom, which previously had been the catch all room. I cooked I cleaned I read books for fun. I doted on my husband. I spent time reading my bible and connecting with God, I slowed down and took things in, I listened and I appreciated. I reflected on the last two years of my life, I learned that the only way to move forward in peace and success is through complete surrender! I have spent a great deal of my life trying to take the reins and control my destiny. We do paint our own stories I believe that, but we do not hold the paint brush alone. God is ultimately in control and he has no problem letting us stumble and fall when we choose to try to shut him out and chase after worldly things. I spent my summer being thankful and grateful that I still had Nolan and my friends. Because I had really pressed into my job and neglected the relationships that mean the most. I quite often in my head would hear the lyrics of Hollyn’s song Can’t Live Without, “Some people gotta lose it all to find out what they really want”. I was thankful that I did not have to lose it all. I had to be knocked down and rebuilt in order to appreciate the things that I do have. I had spent two years, killing myself to try to get ahead, chasing money, a title, status, something to be proud of. All the while not realizing that I should be just plain proud of what I have and who I am. I have such resilience from my past and the life I lived as a child but those stories are for another blog. Learning that I am enough just the way I am has been a struggle for me my whole life and it is finally a battle I have handed to God for real this time. I am his to use for his purpose that he has painted before me. So, this morning as I sit here in these black suede leather ankle boots, about to go to coffee with my ladies. I am thankful for my husband who stands by me when I can’t stand by myself.